I’M GOING TO FUCKING CRY!
And you look down at Rothbart and then at the Prince. And then yes, and the audience! And then you jump! Go ahead, jump!
There’s always that ONE night where every things hits you at once. Individually I can take them on. I can build up a wall against this, a barrier against that, turn my back to something and everything goes back to normal. Right now though, when everything hits me at once, it’s so hard. There are so many thoughts that rip me apart and make me want to lose every bit of control that I thought I had. Between the lying, the cheating, and the damn humiliation I don’t know where to turn. There’s so much that I’ve tried to keep out, but in reality I’ve just been keeping it in. I have so much that I need to say, but they’re also the same exact things that I can’t. I hate seeming so desperate, so fucking pathetic. I hate not having the support that I had for such a long time.
And you know what the worst part is? The part that absolutely tears me apart and makes me go into a downward spiral is the fact that I know that things are going to change. Things will get better, and who the fuck knows where I’ll be in a few years, but I know that this will be something small and insignificant by then. The worst thing about it all is that I have to get through this. Through these terrible nights filled with horrid feelings of abandonment and betrayal. I don’t have a choice, I have to do this, and because I’m not strong enough right now I have to do it for even longer! I have to wait for this night to be over and know that eventually, when I’m least expecting it, another one just like it is going to pop up. Maybe it’ll be next week, or in a few months, or even in a year if I’m lucky, but it will happen. This isn’t the end, and this can’t be the end. So I’ll keep building up my crappy walls, my shitty barriers, and turn my back on something until it goes back to normal. Then it’ll happen again, and again, and again, and again…
I’m the crashing sky
Where is my atlas?
I am tumbling tree
Where are my roots?
I am the falling rain
Where is my river?
I am the crumbling coliseum
Where is my arch?
Where is my ladder?
My St. Peter’s rock?
And I’m falling
Where are you?
I thought you would catch me.
This is a BEAUTIFUL song.
“They can’t love me. They can’t love what I don’t show.”
This song is perfect in every way. It really makes you think.
“I’m going away for a while. I’ll be back, don’t try and follow me cause I’ll return as soon as possible.”
Well now I’m told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify,
Of broken hearts and twisted minds
So i can find someone to rely on